


The Captain's New Dance

by seashadows



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: LiveJournal Prompt, M/M, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:50:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seashadows/pseuds/seashadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim finds a very Lion King-esque way to get his away team out of a sticky situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Captain's New Dance

Kirk would say that things couldn’t get any worse, but really, they had. _Cardassians? Really?_ It was _supposed_ to be a safe passage along the border of some weird system’s neutral zone on the way to the Laurentian System, and now Ensign Richards was being held at phaser-point by the scariest gray dude Kirk had ever seen. Worst stopover _ever_ \- that was the last time he stopped the ship on an asteroid.  
  
“Okay,” he said as calmly as he could, holding his hands up in what he hoped would be interpreted as a friendly gesture. “We’re willing to negotiate for the release of our crewmember.”  
  
“No negotiations!” the Cardassian snarled in a voice that grated on Kirk’s ears; even Spock, standing in an alert position off to the side, winced. “We _demand._ ” His friends (or were they cronies?) shouted their agreement; luckily for them, it was in Cardassian, so Kirk couldn’t understand and then subsequently kill them. Well, he’d _try_ , anyway. “You will give in.”  
  
All right, that was the last straw. “What do you want me to do?” Kirk snapped. “Dress in drag and do the hula?”  
  
“ _Captain!_ ” Uhura hissed. “Don’t get them angry.”  
  
The Cardassian, however, seemed far from angry; he was grinning, showing off some truly frightening pointed teeth. “Yes,” he rumbled. “Otherwise, we’ll kill you and your crew. Including _this_ one.” He jabbed his phaser into Richards’s stomach, eliciting an _oof_.  
  
Oh, _shit_. Kirk’s eyes went wide. Everyone had always told him his habit of bypassing his brain-to-mouth filter would get him in trouble one of these days, and would you look at that: _bingo_. “I, um, I don’t…” he stammered, “don’t have any women’s clothes.” Oh, right, the _logistical_ argument would be the one he threw out there. Knowing his luck, the Cardassian would have a dress in his jacked-up fanny pack, or –  
  
Something that looked suspiciously like a skirt landed on his head. Great. Kirk gritted his teeth and slid the skirt on over his pants, patently ignoring the fact that Uhura and Ensign Richards were both trying not to giggle. Okay, if he made it through this without dying of humiliation, they were _both_ getting gamma shift for a week. At least the skirt _fit_ ; Kirk had sexy hips, if he did say so himself. Yeah.  
  
He fastened the clasp at the waist and straightened up, uneasily clearing his throat. “Um, so…yeah. Dancing.” Everyone was silent, even the Cardassians; Kirk wondered idly if throwing himself on his knees and begging for mercy would make the jerks let him off with a mauling or something. All he needed was an apple in his mouth and…wait a second.  
  
An image from a movie flashed in his head, and suddenly he knew _exactly_ how to placate these Cardassian nutjobs. Kirk grinned, put his hands on his hips, and snapped to the left. “Luau!” he shouted.

The Cardassian with the phaser dropped his weapon at the same time as his mouth dropped open; Kirk took that as a cue to continue. “Are you hungry for a hunk of green-blooded meat? Take my buddy Spocky here, because he is a treat!” He swiveled his hips and threw his arm out to indicate Spock, who looked about as apoplectic as a Vulcan could look. Oh, he was _so_ going to get it later, but he was having too much fun. “Come on down and dine, ‘cause his ass is fine, all you have to do is get in line.”  
  
Sweat was breaking out on his forehead from the effort of finding the right words _and_ dancing (contrary to the rumors circulating on the ship, he sucked at the kind that involved his feet), but it was worth it to see a bunch of Cardassians rolling around on the ground, hysterical. “Aaaaare you achin’, yum yum!” He rearranged his face into a maniacal grin. “For some bacon, yum yum!” Sidling over to Spock, he threw an arm around his stiff shoulders. “He’s a Vulcan, yum yum! You can have a Vulcan, too. Ooh!”  
  
On the last word, he rested his palms on his head and thrust his hips forward. By now, Uhura had quite obviously given up on the effort to keep from laughing – well, at least the asshole Cardassian had stopped pointing the phaser at Richards. He was laughing too hard, clutching his stomach as though it were about to burst.  
  
“All right, let’s get out of here.” Kirk dropped the pose and jerked his thumb in the direction of the Enterprise; he could feel his face flush with post-traumatic embarrassment. He would never hear the end of this.  
  
Still, what better way to go out than with a bang? “Just so everyone knows,” he informed the group at large, “I’m keeping the skirt.”


End file.
